“I’m old enough to be your dad.”
Those were the words of Pastor Andrew West, my first pastoral mentor. I had just graduated from Avondale and become a pastoral intern in Tauranga, New Zealand. Andrew and I had been getting to know each other when he asked me, offhand, how old I was. When I replied, a look of concern flashed across his eyes. I wondered if I’d said something wrong. Quietly, almost embarrassed, he revealed I was only a few months younger than his daughter. With some nervous laughter, we joked about the relationship we were about to embark on.
In many ways, that interaction reveals much about the often-awkward mentor-mentee relationship. Though (if we’re lucky) most of us look to our parents for guidance early in life, as the saying goes, “it takes a village”. And not just to raise a child. Grown-ups need a village, too.
I was fortunate enough to have a great dad growing up—one who instilled in me lessons of discipline, spirituality and a heart for ministry. When I was a young pastor, I was also fortunate enough to have people who took the time for me. From pastoral mentors early in my ministry career to peers who helped me see the world, life and ministry in a different way, these people all shaped the direction of my life. You don’t need to be a dad to be a father figure. You don’t even need to be a man.
This dynamic also flows both ways. One young couple in my church were engaged and had completed pre-marital counselling, but I discovered it had not included any discussion of marital intimacy. Though only married a few years ourselves, my wife and I broached the topic one day over dinner. It was awkward. It’s something that should have been covered by a parent, a wise elder—but it wasn’t, so we stepped into the gap. Thankfully, they were able to return the favour in a way, teaching me many things about home DIY—skills I should have learned from my dad, but never thought to ask.
Spiritual parenting is a wonderful contribution the church makes that those who aren’t Christians miss out on. From our Sabbath school teachers, Pathfinder leaders and ministry teams, each person takes the role, whether they know it or not, of a father, a mother, cousin or sibling. Anytime a Christian comes alongside you, they contribute to the village it takes to grow you. As Paul said of the new Gentile converts at Ephesus, “Consequently, you are no longer foreigners and strangers, but fellow citizens with God’s people and also members of his household” (Ephesians 2:19). The family of God (or perhaps is it God’s Village?) is imperfect, fragile and subject to the vicissitudes of this world, but it is important to remember that it is God’s family, and we have the privilege to belong to it. As New Testament scholar NT Wright once said, “The church as a whole, and every member, is called to become a small working model of new creation.”
My question for you is, “Who is your village?” Who are the “father figures” in your life who you know you can count on? And, inversely, who are the people to whom you can act as a “father figure”? Is it the teenager whose parents desperately drag to church, full of angst? Is it the young first-time mother, operating on three hours of sleep? Is it the homeless man who sits in the back, seemingly only present for free food and a warm place to sit for a few hours?
Whatever the case, I invite you to embrace your village. Be that “father figure”, and allow others to be that for you. Even if it’s awkward, and especially if it’s hard. After all, these could be the very people you’ll spend eternity with.
