God created us for love and connection—with Him and with each other. While sin resulted in separation from God and alienation from each other, our need for love and connection continues to be a fundamental human need. However, because of sin, we tend to look for this love and connection in places that don’t deliver. Nowhere is this truer than our use of social technologies.
When used to enhance existing relationships and forge new friendships, technologies such as social media and online gaming can be useful tools for facilitating social support and a sense of belonging. However, increasingly, social scientists report that social technologies are making us lonelier and more disconnected, taking away from rather than contributing to our sense of love and belonging.
There are several reasons for this. First, social technologies can displace the time we would otherwise spend in offline, face-to-face social interactions. Unfortunately, this can become a self-reinforcing negative feedback loop. The less time we spend in face-to-face interactions, the less we develop social skills and tolerance for the discomfort and awkwardness of social interactions. As we become increasingly uncomfortable with social interactions, we increasingly withdraw from the social pain of interaction and instead try to fill our need for love and connection through social technologies. This is particularly evident in the rise in individuals who report attachments, romantic or otherwise, to their AI companions.
Another reason the use of social technologies can make us feel less rather than more connected is the complicated relationship between technology use and dopamine. Since the 1950s, dopamine has been known as the pleasure hormone. Research in more recent decades, however, has revealed that dopamine is not a pleasure hormone at all; it does not result in feelings of happiness. Rather, dopamine is a hormone of want or desire that is released during pleasurable activities. In other words, dopamine creates a reward loop that motivates us to go out and get what we need to survive—not just once, but repeatedly.
In the past, our dopamine systems were activated during activities such as eating and social interactions. In our modern world, however, the dopamine system is activated when we use social technologies, making us want them more. This is particularly true of both social media and online gaming, which begin as pleasurable but usually make us feel worse rather than better. Many of us, particularly teens and young adults who grew up online and are heavy users of social technologies, want to stop or reduce our use, so we block or delete our accounts, often with only limited success. These are signs of wanting something that no longer brings us pleasure.
So, how can we reduce our dependence on social technologies and make more space for real social connection?
First, begin by implementing very small changes. This feels easy and allows your brain and body to adjust more slowly. And small changes are more likely to result in more permanent habit change. Ultimately, small changes can create the momentum needed for larger changes.
One small change you can begin with is avoiding reaching for your phone upon waking. Checking your phone first thing in the morning not only reinforces the habit of constant screen use, thus encouraging dopamine addiction, but it also triggers stress and increases anxiety by forcing your brain into a reactive, distracted state rather than allowing it to transition calmly from sleep to alertness.
Other small changes you might consider implementing are deciding on one device-free meal per day; choosing one hour each day for completely device-free time; designating short car trips as device-free times; removing devices from bedrooms; establishing a communal device-free space in your home; and experimenting with one screen-free evening per week.
A second important strategy for reducing social technology dependence and creating more space for real social connection is replacing screen time with activities that are both enjoyable and that facilitate love and connection.
Instead of reaching for your phone, plan for connection in the first 10-20 minutes of your day. Wake up slowly and thank God for the good things in your life. Enjoy a favourite drink while reading Scripture and talking some more with God. If you share a home with family, friends or a pet, connect through hugs, cuddles and quiet conversation. This quiet routine enables you to start your day with a less reactive brain and feeling loved and connected.
If you decide to aim for one device-free meal each day, you may need to plan how to fill that time with love and connection. For example, if you live alone, you may want to plan on sharing a device-free meal with a friend. If you share a home with friends or family, conversation starter cards can facilitate enjoyment and connection, thereby increasing buy-in from others.
A short car trip without digital technologies can be an excellent time for connection, as many people, particularly boys and men, find it easier to talk more openly and vulnerably when connecting side-by-side rather than face-to-face. What’s more, children who grow up in families who regularly have conversations that connect daily life with faith are more likely to adopt their family’s values, and short car trips can provide natural opportunities for such connection—whether through singing along with a worship song, sharing a reflective conversation or praying together.
If you decide on a device-free hour each day, make plans for how you’ll fill this hour in a way that facilitates connection. An evening walk, a family bike ride, cooking a meal or playing a board game together all require intentionality. However, if you plan at a time of day when time and mental energy are higher, you’ll be less likely to default to your screens at the end of the day.
If you decide on a screen-free evening in a communal space in your home, you might like to equip that space with screen-free activities, such as art or craft supplies, books and puzzles. Reading aloud or listening to an audiobook together while working on an activity, either individually or together, creates a strong sense of connection and belonging. And if family worship has not been a habit in your home, lighting a candle, listening to worship music or a faith-based audiobook and then sharing a prayer together can be a beautiful way of connecting with each other and with God.
Social technologies can never fill the need for love and connection that God created you for. Only connecting openly and vulnerably with Him and with others can fill that need. Learning to do this might require you to set boundaries on your social technology use and to practise face-to-face conversation and connection, even when it’s awkward or uncomfortable. But with practice, you can build your social interaction skills and grow toward the sense of love and belonging you were created for. Try it. You might like it.
Edyta Jankiewicz is the family ministries director for the South Pacific Division.
