I am a pastor who is blessed to be married to the most wonderful woman I have ever known. But I have a secret. There have been times when there was also another “woman” in my life. I have been guilty of a type of “adultery”. I am guilty of abandoning my wife and children in times that I should have been with them, and instead lavishing my family time on the Bride of Christ . . . His Church.
I received a call from Christ to pastoral ministry through circumstances I believe were supernatural. I love to serve the church. However He never called me to replace Him. For some reason however, I am continually tempted to do just that by neglecting my own family for the good of my church. I have often tried to be my church’s Saviour.
There was a time when my little girl’s birthday was coming up and we had planned a special dinner, but the youth really needed a speaker at their next event and the timing clashed. I couldn’t possibly have entrusted the souls of these young people to another (in my mind) less qualified preacher. So, I skipped the dinner, much to my daughter’s disappointment. Sometimes we would be in the middle of family worship, but I would decide to take that phone call because it was an “emergency”. There were several reasons why I was constantly tempted to do these kinds of things, and all of them had to do with undealt-with issues around value, boundaries and expectations in my own heart.
For one thing, my low self-esteem fed off the praise and appreciation of people. I needed that positive affirmation from church members to feel OK in myself, so I moulded my ministry around all the things people had said to me they thought pastors ought to be doing in the hope they would compliment me. For some reason, the approval of a person whose name I now barely remember meant more to me at the time than the praise of the people I loved the most. It also meant I felt guilty putting up barriers and boundaries. In other words, I felt I could not say “no” to protect my family. I was too busy proving to myself, my church and my conference that I was “worthy” of the call. That is a bottomless pit that can just never be filled.
Secondly, due to some innate insecurities, I really needed to feel needed. When people said, “Oh, we can’t do this without you pastor!” it sucked me in every time. However, this insecurity also meant I struggled to release responsibility, to delegate and empower others. When I saw other people performing tasks I was trained to do, I felt they were not doing it as well as I could, or else I felt worried that they were making me obsolete and unneeded. It was hard for me not to step in and take over.
Thirdly, I am inclined to workaholism by nature. Yes, my work is serving God, but that doesn’t change the fact that rest and time apart from work are important for stewardship of my body and family. The difference between me and the workaholic lawyer or teacher in the past however, was that I always had the perfect justification that could silence my wife’s objections every time: “But, I’m doing this for God!”
Last, but definitely not least, I was behaving this way because I was being unfaithful to Christ by making it about me rather than Him. I may have used theology to justify my neglect of my family and my overwork, but the truth is that both the Bible and the Spirit of Prophecy are clear that a minister’s family are their most important ministry. I was not doing His will at times when I abandoned them in favour of my church. After discussing ministerial qualifications with Timothy, Paul puts the pin in his argument in 1 Timothy 3:5 by saying’ “for if a man does not know how to rule his own house, how will he take care of the church of God?” In other words, if we aren’t good at leading our own families in love, we aren’t suitable to lead in the church of Christ. Likewise, Ellen White wrote:
“It is not so much the religion of the pulpit as the religion of the family that reveals our real character. The minister’s wife, his children and those who are employed as helpers in his family are best qualified to judge of his piety. A good man will be a blessing to his household. Wife, children and helpers will all be the better for his religion” (The Adventist Home, 354).
And again:
“Nothing can excuse the minister for neglecting the inner circle for the larger circle outside. The spiritual welfare of his family comes first. In the day of final reckoning, God will inquire what he did to win to Christ those whom he took the responsibility of bringing into the world. Great good done for others cannot cancel the debt that he owes to God to care for his own children” (Gospel Workers, 204).
And again:
“You must show in your family that kindly consideration, that tenderness, love, gentleness, noble forbearance and true courtesy, that is becoming to the head of a family, before you can make a success of winning souls to Christ” (Testimonies for the Church, 3:556).
I have paid a heavy price for my choices. This is now my 12th year in full-time ministry. In that time, I have experienced a debilitating work-related mental health event no less than four times. I joke with people that I average getting sick about once every three years. Thankfully I now have grown quite considerably in the area of boundaries and (for the most part) have a much healthier work-life balance and, most crucially, intimacy with Jesus. However I wish in hindsight that I had always stayed in my lane as a servant in His house, instead of trying to play His role as the Saviour of His church for so long.
Pastors are human beings like everyone, which means we have internal motivations and issues at play within us that can drive us in all kinds of unhealthy directions. For example, our business working for God often tempts us to disconnect from Him personally and justify this because we read Scripture and pray all the time in our work. We often are driven by a desire to people-please or prove ourselves because of our own sense of inadequacy or unworthiness. Many of us are blind to our own vulnerabilities, which the enemy makes a special target of attack. We want to be ultra-professional, super-people connecting with everyone we can, but we often struggle to know how to operate healthily within our friendships, our marriages and with our own children.
I’m so thankful to Jesus that He reminds me who I am. I am His son, called in His Name, clothed in His covenant, empowered by His presence, filled with His Spirit and commissioned by His Word. I am so glad that He is the Husbandman and I am but a doorkeeper. It is a privilege to be so.
Please pray for you pastor and encourage them always to keep their eyes on Jesus, make time for their families and to steward their time. They need that encouragement sometimes, just as you do. When your pastor makes good choices in these areas, it will be better for them and better for your church.
Daniel Matteo is a church pastor at Wantirna and Healesville churches, Vic. He is married to a wonderful woman and has two beautiful children. His passion is leading people closer to God.
