I am not a singer. Sure, I’m musical, but singing has never been a strength of mine, even at age three. There we stood, however, my big sister and I in matching dresses, singing an old Heritage Singers kids’ song, with my dad accompanying us on the guitar. But audiences somehow forgive littlies for their singing inabilities, not really seeming to mind if you forget when to come in and get elbowed in the side by your conscientious older sister. That, however, wasn’t the only time we sang in church. We sang again. And again.
Why? We were a pastor’s kids. I think it might be a universal experience that pastors’ kids sing in church (or if not singing, then doing something else up front). Some go on to sing as adults, though my vocal cords never got that far. Then again, however, I’m not your typical pastor’s kid. My dad was preaching less by the time I was seven, having turned mostly to academia. We were still a ministry family though and faced similar challenges to other pastors’ families. It’s not easy, being parents in a ministry family, and it’s not always easy being a pastor’s kid (PK). Though I know that what helped my parents the most was the people who rallied around them and supported them through the challenging times when my sister and I were growing up. As a church member, you might not see how you are a part of caring for your pastor’s family, however, church members’ ways of responding and relating to them are vital for the wellbeing of your pastor’s children. You and your community can do more than you know.
Many pastors’ kids struggle with the expectations placed upon them. PKs’ experiences have generally improved over time, with expectations not being as high and church members being more understanding. It’s not quite as extreme as someone saying, “You’re the pastor’s kid, you should know better”; however, the subtle expectations still lingering do take a toll. Even a look or a word towards a PK that conveys disappointment at a level greater than towards any other child can place undue pressure. Some of these expectations we have may be subconscious, and we may not realise the harm we are imposing. Perhaps we need to change our mindsets, examining ourselves to see if we hold any unfair expectations on the children or teenagers of our pastors. Remember that as humans we are not perfect. Instead of expecting something from a child or teenager that you yourself cannot achieve, pastoral parent or not, why not show them the beautiful God we should be showing everyone? Our God knows we cannot be perfect yet still loves us.
Another challenge for PKs is the dreaded moves. Moving is challenging for everyone. In fact, research shows that among the top five stressors in life, moving ranks third, following a death and a divorce. Studies also show that it is particularly difficult for pre- and early teens to move. Despite this, time and time again, there are pastoral families who are moved around the country, and in some cases, like mine, the world. This also may be lessening to a degree as more people realise the toll this takes on families, however, there are still families who uproot their children every few years. Each move forces pastors’ kids to leave behind their school and their friends—their known life—and casts them into an unknown life, where they need to make new friends in a new school. No-one likes to be the new kid, and it can be detrimental to adolescents’ abilities to form healthy relationships as well as being harmful to their mental health. Moving, no matter how necessary, is painful, and so this is when we as church members can be helpful. We can support our pastor’s kids by either connecting with them or by connecting them with others in the community. Include them in your family events if you have kids the same age. Mentor them, check in with them, show interest in their lives, and be willing to get close to them despite the knowledge that they may leave within a couple of years. All children and teens need adults other than their parents in their lives, and with PKs often raised without their extended family and with church members holding them at arm’s length, they miss out on that needed connection. They need you to support them and show them that they are loved and not expected to be anyone but themselves.
Lastly, conflict within the church can affect pastors’ kids in untold ways. When disagreements arise between church members and the pastor, PKs struggle to distinguish between the conflict coming from individual church members and the church. This can lead to them blaming the church, and sometimes even leaving the church, as they come to see it as a place of conflict and animosity towards their family. It is often said that ministry is a lifestyle; a pastor’s job isn’t just a 9-5 that they leave behind and then go home to their family. Their job is on display for their whole family, and the whole church, to see. So, when there’s conflict, it causes stress and unhappiness that radiates through the family, felt by all, whether the PK is five or 15 years old. Even when ministry parents try to shield their children from disagreements with church members—my parents always went walking when they needed to discuss conflict—the children still feel the anxiety, even if they don’t know the details. So, when you’re caught up in conflict with your pastor, remember that how you act and what you say will affect the pastor’s family. Keep your discussions as private as possible, while also remembering that the pastor is also human, someone with the same emotions and challenges of ordinary life as everyone else. Remember the pastor’s family is not immune to the fallout of conflict.
Pastors’ kids need to be cherished like all the church’s children, brought up in an environment of love, not with the expectation of perfection. They need to be treated the same as their peers—just because their parent is the pastor in no way means their behaviour should be held to a different standard. Connect with them and help them connect with others. Encourage them in their own strengths, apart from what their ministry family does. Show them that the church is on their side. This is how we’ll help our pastors’ kids stay in the church. This is how we’ll help our pastors’ kids experience the love of Jesus and keep them believing that the church has something for them.
Ashley Jankiewicz is an assistant editor for Adventist Record.
